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DEAR MAN Skill in DBT

DEAR MAN is a DBT interpersonal effectiveness skill for making requests, declining requests and negotiating clearly.

  • Describe: State observable facts briefly.
  • Express: Explain relevant feelings, opinions or impact using your own perspective.
  • Assert: Ask clearly or say no directly.
  • Reinforce: Explain the practical benefit of cooperation without manipulating or threatening.
  • Mindful: Return to the main point and avoid being pulled into unrelated arguments.
  • Appear confident: Use a steady, respectful presentation adapted to culture, disability and safety. Eye contact is not required.
  • Negotiate: Consider alternatives, reduce the request or ask the other person to propose a solution.

Request example

“The deadline changed twice this week. I had to cancel planned work. Please tell me as soon as a deadline changes. That will help me prioritise accurately. I can finish one task by Friday; which should come first?”

Saying no example

“I understand that you need help tonight. I am not available. I can review the document tomorrow morning, or you may need to ask someone else.”

Limits

DEAR MAN does not guarantee agreement. Use GIVE and FAST to consider relationship and self-respect goals. In situations involving abuse, retaliation or major power differences, direct assertion may increase risk and specialist support may be safer.

Use the DEAR MAN worksheet guide.

Reference

Linehan, M. M. DBT Skills Training Manual, Revised Edition. Guilford Press, 2025.

Evidence and editorial note

Resource type: Educational overview of a DBT skill or skills module. It supports learning and practice but is not comprehensive Dialectical Behavior Therapy.

Evidence basis: Marsha M. Linehan’s DBT Skills Training Manual, Revised Edition (2025), official Behavioral Tech training information, current NICE guidance and peer-reviewed evidence reviews where treatment claims are discussed.

Review status: Written and evidence-checked by the CounselorAid editorial team. Last evidence review: 3 August 2026. No named independent clinical reviewer is being claimed. Please report factual or safety concerns through the contact page.

Important: This information cannot diagnose a condition, assess personal risk or replace care from an appropriately qualified professional. In an immediate crisis or medical emergency, use local emergency or crisis services.